The Beauty of a Biblical Marriage

Ephesians 5:22-33—The Beauty of a Biblical Marriage

I’ve entitled the sermon this evening, “The Beauty of a Biblical Marriage.” Because when both the husband and the wife approach their respective roles in the relationship in a biblical way, it’s a beautiful thing. Some of you have heard me compare the Bible to an owner’s manual before, and I think it’s especially helpful to think of the Bible that way when we’re talking about marriage. You see, owner’s manuals are incredibly helpful things because in them, the people who designed a certain device spell out for us how to operate that device in the best possible way. Think about a car. How can you make sure you get the most out of your car and that your car lasts as long as it can possibly last? By following the owner’s manual. The owner’s manual tells you to do thinks like change the oil, make sure the tires are inflated to a certain pressure, change the other fluids every so often—things like that. And by doing those things and following those instructions, things are just gonna go better for you as the owner of that car. And in the same way, God designed everything and therefore knows how to approach everything—including marriage—in a way that just works the best. He knows how husbands and wives should relate to each other in the way that will lead to maximum harmony and enjoyment. And so people who disregard God’s instructions are not only sinfully rebelling against his authority, but they’re also foolishly doubting his wisdom.  They’re just making things harder on themselves. 

So let’s read God’s instructions. Please open your Bibles with me to Ephesians 5. If you’re using the Story Bible’s we provide, that’s on page 813. Ephesians 5, and we’ll read verses 22-33. Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

So there are the biblical instructions. And even if this is your first time ever reading this passage, it’s probably pretty clear to you that this is quite different from the view of marriage that’s common in our society today. But should that really surprise us? If God really has designed the church to be a kind of alternative society, an outpost of the coming Kingdom, a city set on a hill, should we really be surprised when the biblical view of marriage looks a lot different from all the views we find around us. And indeed, it is different. Here’s the main idea of this passage, here’s the main thing we should get: Biblical marriage is an alternative to both the feminism and the chauvinism that we see and have seen in society. Both feminism and chauvinism are distortions of the beautiful way God intended husbands and wives to relate to each other. And we’ll see that as we work our way through the text. So, taking our cue from the order of the text, let’s look first at God’s instructions for wives and then at God’s instructions for husbands. 

God’s Instructions for Wives: Submit to Your Husbands

First, God says to wives, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” So Paul has one word for the way wives should relate to their husbands, and that word is submission. I think that’s fairly obvious in the text. Some people may not like it, and it may not be politically correct, but nevertheless there it is, staring us in the face. 

And not only that, but Paul gives an analogy for it. At the end of verse 22, he explains that wives should submit to their husbands “as to the Lord.” So wives should submit to their husbands in a way that’s similar to the way Christians submit to Jesus—voluntarily, lovingly, humbly, trusting in his godly leadership. And just as the Christ is head of the church, the husband, Paul says, is the head of his wife. That word “head” implies a position of authority. And I realize that the whole concept of authority is not a very popular concept in our society, but it’s something God’s put in the owner’s manual in numerous places for our own good. God actually talks about submitting all kinds of different authorities in the Bible. Of course the ultimate authority we should submit to is his authority. He created us, he sustains us, and therefore he has the right to command us to do certain things. He’s the source of all authority. And then the Bible teaches that God has delegated certain aspects of his authority to certain people. Romans 13 records how he’s given government rulers authority in the civil sphere, Hebrews 13:17 records how he’s given pastors authority in the spiritual sphere, and Ephesians 6 records how he’s given parent’s authority in the domestic sphere. So God has delegated certain aspects of his authority to certain people and to a certain extent. And that’s a good thing. It’s because God loves us that he sets things up that way. 

I mean, would you really want to live in a town that didn’t have any police officers in it. Think about what that would be like—no governing authority at all. Perhaps you’ve heard of that book and later the movie, Lord of the Flies? The Lord of the Flies tells this story of a bunch of children and early teenagers who are stranded on a remote island together. And these are civilized students: many of them are in a boys choir and they come from a prosperous first-world country and they have education and manners. But in not very long at all, things deteriorate into anarchy. Two of the older boys named Ralph and Jack are vying for power, Jack tells the group this lie about a monstrous beast that he promises to kill as a way to get power for himself, different children bully each other and scheme against each other and eventually become totally tribal even to the point of forming alliances and committing murder. And that’s what happens when there’s no such thing as authority. Anarchy happens. Now, of course, that’s not very likely to happen in a marriage just because the wife is unsubmissive, although if it did in some freakish marriage, hopefully the married couple would get counseling before going tribal and forming different alliances with their children. But nevertheless, the Lord of the Flies is valuable because it helps us understand how authority can be a good gift of God. God knew what he was doing when he set everything up. 

But because of the fall, there’s a natural tendency within us to rebel against this kind of order. And specifically for the wife to rebel against the authority of her husband. In Genesis 3:16, God pronounces a curse on the Eve because of because of her sin. He says, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” When he says, “your desire shall be for your husband,” he’s talking about a desire to usurp her husband’s authority, and he’ll respond by sinfully ruling over her in a domineering way. So there we see the seeds for both feminism and chauvinism. And we’ll talk about the husband in a little while, but for now, think about the ways a wife can usurp her husband’s authority and be unsubmissive. Of course, there’s the obvious way of denying that she even needs to be submissive. But what about in a Christian marriage? Have you ever known a wife to talk disrespectfully about her husband behind her husband’s back, perhaps complaining about him or making him look like the foolish dufus you see in TV sitcoms? Have you ever known a wife to do things that her husband wouldn’t approve of without his knowledge, maybe spending money in a way that he wouldn’t want her to spend it? Have you ever known a wife to try to get her way by employing various forms of manipulation, usually successfully? Jesus isn’t pleased with that. 

He instructs wives to submit to their husbands both in theory and in practice. Of course, submission doesn’t imply that the wife is lesser or inferior or any way—simply that she has a different role. Women bear the image of God to the same degree as men do, Christian women are children of God and heirs of salvation just as much as men are. They’re totally equal in their value and worth, but they’re different in the way God calls them to function. 

Listen to this description of a man and woman figure skating together in the Olympics a few years ago at the 2014 Winter Olympics: “He leads her onto the ice and initiates each part of their routine. She receives that leadership and trusts in his strength. His raw physical strength is more on display than hers; he does all the lifting, twirling and catching. She complements his strength with her own; a more…attractive strength of beauty, grace, speed and balance. His focus as the head or leader is to magnifying her skills. Her focus is on following his lead and signaling her readiness to receive his next move. He takes responsibility for the two of them and she trusts his leadership and delights in it. If he makes a mistake, she pays the larger physical price; he pays the larger emotional price. She falls, but he fails! So he has to learn to initiate and risk. She has to help him understand her moves and to endure his learning curve. They do not fight for equality on the ice; they possess it as a given. They are not jostling about fairness. They are focused on doing their part well. No one yells, “Oppressor!” as he leads her around the arena, lifting her up and catapulting her into a triple spin. No one thinks she is belittled as she takes her lead from him, skating backwards to his forward….They complement each other…becoming one majestic whole. No one, least of all him, minds that the roses and teddy bears, thrown onto the ice when they have collapsed into each other’s arms at the end, are for her. It is his joy….When it’s done well, it’s a welcome sight in which both partners are fulfilled in themselves and delighted in the other.”

God’s Instructions for Husbands: Love Your Wives

God’s design is a beautiful thing. He designed marriage with infinite wisdom, and he gives us instructions for marriage in his infinite goodness. However, in order for God’s design to be enjoyed as the beautiful thing that it is, not only do wives need to practice submission, but there’s also a way in which husbands need to put aside their selfish desires. Remember, not only is feminism a distortion of God’s wonderful design of marriage, that design can also be distorted by chauvinism.  

That’s why we find these words in verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Wow. Did we read that right? “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” So that means just like Jesus loved the church and voluntarily laid down his life for the church, husbands are supposed to love their wives in that same sacrificial way? That’s pretty radical. 

You see, Jesus laid down his life for us when we were in a downright wretched condition. We were entirely rebellious, unlovely, and undeserving. And yet, even when we were in that condition, Jesus looked upon us with mercy and compassion, and he saved us. He became a human himself and entered our world so he could die on the cross to pay for our sins. He wasn’t under any obligation to do that, but he did it anyway because his love is so vast and so immeasurable. You see, our sin had to be dealt with; justice had to be meted out. But Jesus put himself in our place and acted as our substitute. And just like Jesus demonstrated sacrificial love toward us, he calls husbands to demonstrate sacrificial love for their wives. 

That’s a lot different than the chauvinistic way husbands have often treated their wives down through the centuries, isn’t it? That’s a lot different than husbands treating their wives like their own personal property—like their servants to be ordered around and intimidated and casually dismissed. Just because supposedly “Christian” societies practiced it, doesn’t mean it’s biblical. It’s actually shameful and embarrassing that people who called themselves Christians lived in that kind of way. I’m embarrassed. 

And yet, even though chauvinism still continues today to a degree, sometimes even in people who win political primaries, I actually think that there’s a different way most husbands today fail to love their wives. Historically, it may have been chauvinism, but I’m convinced today it’s mainly abdication, where the husband simply abdicates his role or is passive in the marriage relationship. Maybe he’s selfishly absorbed in his own fun and recreation, much like an overgrown teenager—playing his video games, going out with the guys, doing all that stuff way too much. And when he is interacting with his family, he’s not much of a leader. His wife often finds herself having to act like his mom, cleaning up after him, making sure he makes responsible decisions—kind of like we used to see on that show Everybody Loves Raymond. Now that I think about it, I’m not really sure why everybody on the show did love Raymond, because the guy was this clueless moron who abdicated his responsibilities. 

But there are also other husbands who don’t act the way Raymond Barone acted and yet they still abdicate their responsibilities. Now, they’re organized, they’re responsible, they’re driven, but they’re still abdicating their role as husbands because they’re so wrapped up in their work that they’re not emotionally present with their family. Many times, they’re not even physically present. And we need to be careful here, because they’re a fine line between a good work ethic and being married to your work. A husband with a good work ethic is doing a very loving thing for his family by providing for them, but a husband who’s married to his work may say he’s just trying to provide, but he’s actually not providing something his family needs just as much as his paycheck. He’s not providing emotional presence and engagement. 

You know, I think there’s something in men that just likes to conquer things. We see it, we claim it, and we conquer it. That’s why when I looked up some statistics, I discovered to nobody’s surprise that over 90% of people who climb Mount Everest are men. We’re conquerors. A few weeks ago, our family went for a walk on a path behind my house that goes along the bottom of a steep ravine. And on our way back to the house, instead of going around the steep hillside like we did when we set out, I told Caleb that we were going to straight up the steep hillside like men. I called it a jungle adventure. And it was sort of an adventure. The hill was steep and the vegetation was thick, but we found a deer trail and used our hands when we needed to, and we made it up that hill. And Caleb was talking about it for weeks afterwards, telling everyone about our “jungle adventure.” Men like to conquer things. And that’s why, unfortunately, many men will act like Romeo when they’re dating a lady only to turn into Ray Barone once they’ve got a wedding ring on her finger. In their way of thinking, they’ve already conquered that mountain. Time to focus on the next thing to conquer and climb that corporate ladder perhaps. 

That’s why it takes effort and intentionality to stay engaged at home. It’s not going to happen accidentally. No husband is going to look back over the past 20 years of his marriage one day and be like, “Wow, I just accidently stumbled into being an amazing husband and father these past two decades. Everything just seemed to be so automatic.” That’s not going to happen. It takes effort; it takes intentionality. 

Because, you know, husbands, that loving your wife involves a lot more than opening the car door for her. Number one, it involves shepherding her (and the kids), protecting them from spiritually dangerous things and leading them closer to Jesus. That means you especially have to be diligent to learn what the Bible teaches so that you can be, as the Puritans used to say, the pastor of your home. Number two, loving your wife involves being emotionally present for her, engaging with her, not just being roommates. And yes, it takes effort to give that emotional connection they need and desire. Number three, it involves learning your wife—trying your best (even though it may be difficult sometimes) to understand her learn about her desires and concerns and perspectives. And number four, you love your wife by putting her interest above your own. And there are tons of opportunities to do that in very practical ways. Unless it’s your birthday, eat where she wants to eat (that’s within budget). Watch the movie she wants to watch. Spend time the way she wants to spend time. Love your wife the way Jesus loved the church, putting aside your desires and laying down your life on a daily basis forher.  

Conclusion

So that’s the way Paul tells husbands and wives to relate to each other. It’s a lot different than the feminism of the past 70 years, and it’s a lot different than the chauvinism of the past few millennia. It’s not feminism, and it’s not chauvinism: it’s Bible. It’s a beautiful plan that God’s created in his infinite wisdom, and it’s the way to maximize enjoyment and harmony in a marriage.

You know, I’m reminded of that TV series Band of Brothers about a company of soldiers during World War II. And they faced some unbelievable situations on those battlefields, but they worked together to pull through. Now, to do that, each of them had to embrace their different roles and functions—whether it be communications, machine gun, medic, etcetera. And they had to work together in those different roles in order to fight against the enemy. And just like those soldiers worked as a team, God calls the husband and wife to be a team and to work together in ways that complement each other and complete each other. Because, you know what? We also are called to engage in warfare…spiritual warfare against the forces of evil—war for the hearts of our children, war for our community, war for our city.