Matthew 20:20-28: The Perfect Model of Manhood

Matthew 20:20-28: The Perfect Model of Manhood

This morning, in recognition of Father’s Day, we’ll be taking a break from our series of sermons going through the book of 2 Peter and looking instead at Matthew 20:20-28. It says, 

20 Then the mother of the sons of Zebedee came up to him with her sons, and kneeling before him she asked him for something. 21 And he said to her, “What do you want?” She said to him, “Say that these two sons of mine are to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your kingdom.” 22 Jesus answered, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I am to drink?” They said to him, “We are able.” 23 He said to them, “You will drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father.” 24 And when the ten heard it, they were indignant at the two brothers. 25 But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, 28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” 

May God bless the reading of his Word.

Let’s pray: Father, your word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our paths. Shine your light brightly this morning. Help us to see everything we need to see about who you are, what you’ve done, what you promise, what you teach, and what you desire for our lives. Minister to us by your Holy Spirit, for it’s in Jesus’ name we pray, amen.Even though I haven’t typically made it a habit in the past to preach a special message for Father’s Day, there’s something I believe God’s laid on my heart for today that I’d like to share. It’s a message related to what’s at the root of being a godly father—and that is being a godly man. In order to be a godly father, you first have to be a godly man and have a biblical understanding of what God designed manhood to be.  

And if you’ve been paying attention at all to our society in recent years, you know that this is probably one of the most pressing issues we’re facing. We’re living in the midst of a society in which manhood is in crisis. Most people, especially in secular circles of our society, have virtually no idea what God’s design for manhood looks like or what the Bible says a man should be. Society’s view of manhood—if they even recognize such a category anymore—has been fractured and twisted almost beyond recognition. 

On the one hand, there are many who simply reject many of the qualities typically associated with masculinity and instead support men taking on more feminine qualities—especially in the way they dress and speak and behave. For example, a number of months ago, a singer I’d never heard of before named Harry Styles made headlines for wearing a dress on the cover of a magazine and apparently has been making a habit of dressing in female clothing routinely. Of course, cross-dressing is nothing new, but what’s notable about this is that it’s now being promoted and applauded like never before. And the widespread promotion of that behavior, I believe, is representative of a broader movement in society to feminize manhood in general. 

Yet, that’s not the only way masculinity is being distorted. You also have what we might call a hyper-masculinity that extols various macho qualities such as dominance and aggressiveness and a disposition toward violence. It also openly encourages men to treat women like their personal property and exploit them sexually and take advantage of them in almost every way imaginable. The most well-known example of this is probably Andrew Tate, who was the third most searched-for person on Google in 2023 and has openly boasted on numerous occasions of treating women in ways that I’m certainly not going to repeat this morning. 

So, these are the challenges we face today when it comes to manhood—the rejection of masculinity on the one hand and a hyper-masculinity on the other. And these challenges are huge. As I said, we’re in the middle of a crisis in which manhood has been fractured and twisted almost beyond recognition. So, the question of what it means to be a godly man is one of the timeliest and most important questions we can be asking. 

Yet the answer I’d like to suggest this morning can be summed up in a single word: Jesus. If you want to know what biblical manhood looks like, the best thing you can do is to look at Jesus. He is the perfect man and the perfect model for what all men should strive to be. 

You know, the best way to help someone understand how to do something isn’t just to tell them how to do it but to actually show them how to do it. For example, one of the most fundamental things a father will often teach his sons is teaching them how to throw a baseball. And when I taught my sons how to do that, I didn’t just try my best to describe how to do it—I actually did it in front of them. I brought them out to a field, took a baseball in my hand, and told them to watch me as I threw the baseball so that they could have a general idea of how to do it. 

And God’s essentially done that same thing. When God became a man in the person of Jesus, it’s like he was saying, “If you want to know what true manhood looks like, just watch me, and do what I do. I’ll show you how to be a man. I’ll be a man in front of you for 33 years in order to show you how it’s done.” So, if we want to know what biblical manhood looks like, the best place we could ever look is at Jesus.

By the way, I have to give credit here to one of our church elders, Joe Urbanowicz, and a message he shared at our Men’s Breakfast back in February explaining how Jesus fulfilled the Old Testament offices of prophet, priest, and king and then going on to challenge the men in attendance to strive to fulfill those same basic offices as well, as we seek to minister to our families. And Joe’s message about Jesus as the perfect man and God’s calling for men today to fulfill certain aspects of the offices Jesus fulfilled as prophet, priest, and king really got me thinking about various other ways in which Jesus is the ultimate model of what it means to be a godly man. 

I mean, if you just read through the four gospels looking for ways in which Jesus exemplifies perfect manhood, you’ll find them all over the place. Consider, for example, the zeal for God’s glory Jesus demonstrated in overturning the tables in the Temple courts, the patience Jesus exhibited in dealing with the continual shortcomings of his disciples, the sensitivity and empathy Jesus demonstrated toward Mary in weeping with her at the death of her brother Lazarus, the righteous anger Jesus displayed in his scathing rebukes of the hypocrisy of the Jewish religious leaders, the compassion Jesus demonstrated time and time again in healing those who were sick, the way Jesus described himself as “gentle and lowly in heart,” the courage Jesus exhibited in setting his face to go to Jerusalem even though he knew it meant that he’d be crucified, the love Jesus displayed in praying for the forgiveness of the very people who were crucifying him, and the grace Jesus displayed in forgiving and restoring Peter even after Peter denied him three times. In every one of these instances—as well as in countless other instances—Jesus shows us what it means to be a man—and not just a man but a perfect man. 

Yet there’s one passage in particular that I’d like to examine this morning in which we find Jesus helping us understand what biblical manhood is all about—and that passage is Matthew 20:25-28. The context of this passage is that Jesus’s disciples have been arguing amongst themselves about which of them will have the highest positions in his future kingdom. So, Jesus calls them in and says this to them in Matthew 20:25-28: 25 But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, 28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” 

The main idea Jesus is conveying here is that true greatness consists in serving other people. True greatness consists in serving other people. As Jesus notes, this is a lot different than the mentality of those who aren’t Christians. He states that “the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them.” The ancient world was characterized by rulers who were authoritarian and often tyrannical. I imagine that when Jesus originally spoke these words, his disciples immediately thought of various Roman emperors and also provincial governors—such as the dynasty of Herods—who had ruled the Jewish people with such oppression and cruelty. 

And even though we’re thankfully no longer under that kind of tyranny today, we can still see this same basic mentality all over the place in our world. It’s pervasive. In just about every sector of society, we see people who desire to be great pursuing positions of power and prestige. They relish the thought of being in those positions and love to “lord it over” others whenever possible. Even though they often go about “lord[ing] it over” others in relatively subtle ways, make no mistake—they love having power and love signaling to others how big of a deal they are. They idolize prominence and wealth and influence and prestige. 

Yet, Jesus says, “It shall not be so among you.” Jesus calls his disciples to be radically different than the rest of the world and to display a mentality that’s markedly distinct from what they see all around them. He then goes on to say that “whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave.

These two statements are parallel to each other. Yet, at the same time, we can observe a progression from the first statement to the second. Jesus first says that “whoever would be great among you must be your servant.” The Greek word translated “servant” refers to a hired worker who was responsible for relatively menial tasks. We might think of it as the ancient equivalent of a minimum wage employee—someone who wasn’t paid very much and who was expected to do things that others in society might regard as lowly. Yet, according to Jesus, if we want to be “great,” then we need to embrace the mentality of a “servant.” 

Jesus then goes even further in his next statement. He says that “whoever would be first among you must be your slave.” So, now we’re talking not just about being “great” but about being “first”—the greatest of the great, if you will. And Jesus says that if we want to be “first,” we need to embrace the mentality not just of a “servant” but of a “slave.” The Greek word translated “slave” is indeed one that refers to someone who was considered to be the property of someone else. A slave wasn’t just a hired worker doing menial tasks but was regarded as the personal property of their master and was obliged to do whatever their master wanted. A slave had no rights and, in many ways, no dignity. They were essentially the lowest of the lowly. 

So, think about what Jesus is saying. If you want to be great, then you have to have the mentality of someone who’s lowly. And if you want to be the greatest of the great, then you need to have the mentality of the lowliest of the lowly. Of course, this turns conventional thinking upside down. It’s the exact opposite of the way people typically think. Yet that’s what Jesus taught.

And it’s not only what he taught, it’s what he modeled—as we can see in verse 28. Jesus says we should adopt this mentality “even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” The phrase “Son of Man” is drawn from Daniel 7:13 and is a reference to Jesus himself. Jesus is speaking of himself and says that he “came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

And this is shocking—because one might have expected Jesus to have come to this earth in order to “be served.” After all, Jesus was God in human flesh. Colossians 1:19 states that “in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell.” Jesus wasn’t like God or similar to God but rather was God and was therefore infinitely deserving of all glory and honor and praise. So, it would have been entirely expected and appropriate for Jesus to come to this earth in order “be served.” Yet, in a stunning departure from what anyone would expect, Jesus “came not to be served but to serve.” The King of the Universe came to this earth as a lowly servant. This makes Jesus the ultimate example of the kind of mentality he’s just instructed his disciples to have. 

Jesus then goes on to speak of the climactic way in which he “came…to serve,” and that is by “giv[ing] his life as a ransom for many.” Jesus died on the cross in order to “ransom” his people. The word translated “ransom” was often used to refer to the money that was paid in order to purchase freedom for a slave. The money would be paid so that the slave would be released from their bondage. We also use the word “ransom” in modern society to speak of the payment that kidnappers usually demand in order to release the person they’ve kidnapped. It’s the same basic idea. A payment is being made in order to purchase a person’s freedom. And that’s what Jesus did in his death on the cross. His death was a “ransom” payment that purchased our freedom sin. 

Notice also the word “for.” Jesus states that he came “to give his life as a ransom for many.” The Greek word translated “for” is ἀντί, which literally means “instead of” or “in place of.” Jesus was functioning as our substitute on the cross and was vicariously suffering the punishment our sins deserved. In reality, we should have suffered that punishment forever in hell, but Jesus suffered it on the cross in our place. That’s how much he loved us—even in our sin. We were thoroughly rebellious and deserving of nothing but judgment, but Jesus loved us so much that he voluntarily allowed himself to be crucified to pay for our sins. And that’s the ultimate way in which he “came not to be served but to serve.”

Now there are many ways we can apply all of this, but one particularly rich application is to men. Jesus’s words here are incredibly relevant as we think about what it means to be a man and about what biblical manhood looks like. 

Unfortunately, there seems to be a tendency among some men to expect their wives to serve them in ways that—shall we say—seem a little excessive. Now, of course, the Bible does teach in places like Titus 2:5 that wives are indeed called to work in the home and manage domestic affairs, particularly if there are younger children in the home. But I’ll just say to men that there’s a difference between expecting your wife to be your wife and expecting her to be your mom—cleaning up your messes, picking up your dirty laundry from around the house, and just having to do all kinds of things that you really should be doing for yourself. Essentially, these men live like slobs and then expect their wives to work extra hard in order to clean up after them. 

In addition, another way men might exhibit a mentality in their marriage and home that revolves around “being served” is by expecting their wives to watch the kids pretty much all the time while they themselves go out most nights in order to hang out with the guys or maybe while they play video games while their wives put the kids to bed or while they spend an excessive amount engaging in various hobbies instead of being engaged with their families. I’ve also heard men on more than one occasion speak of watching their kids while their wives are out doing something as “babysitting” their kids. Listen, you don’t babysit your own kids, alright? Other people might babysit your kids, but when you watch your own kids, that’s just called being a father. 

So, there seems to be a mentality among some men not of serving their wives but rather of having their wives serve them to an excessive degree. That’s not what the Bible says manhood should be. Perhaps there are some women here are newer to biblical teaching and therefore a bit nervous about what we might mean when we speak of biblical manhood. Let me go ahead and set your mind at ease and assure you that this kind of mentality I’ve just described is absolutely not what we mean when we talk about being a man. This self-centered mentality actually couldn’t be further from what the Bible says true manhood is all about. As we can see from Matthew 20, true manhood is about following the example of Jesus and seeking not to be served but to serve—especially when it comes to our wives and families. 

So, how, then, should we do that? What does it look like to have the mentality not of being served but of serving other people—such as our wives and children? Well, we could certainly talk about various practical responsibilities around the house such as taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and other similar things. Personally, I also function as the designated spider-killer in our house. There have been times when I’ve come home and been alerted to the fact that there’s a spider somewhere that needs to be taken care of. And those kinds of practical roles and responsibilities around the house are certainly a good place to start in our consideration of what it means to serve our families. 

Another important way in which we serve our families is probably rather obvious—and that is by providing financially. Paul’s pretty direct in 1 Timonthy 5:8 when he says that anyone who doesn’t provide for his own family “has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” As a man, it’s your job to work hard and provide for your family—and that’s one of the most foundational ways in which you serve them. 

However, the way in which we as men are called to serve that I’d like to emphasize the most this morning is taking responsibility for the spiritual welfare of our families. That’s by far the greatest way in which we can serve them—by looking after their spiritual welfare and leading them closer to God. 

This begins with us being actively engaged with our families mentally and emotionally and relationally. If we want to make a spiritual impact on our families, the first step is for us to simply be engaged with them in general. As important as it is to work hard in our careers and provide financially for our families, it’s simply not acceptable for us to be so consumed with our work that we’re not actively engaged at home. 

And listen, I understand what it’s like to have significant responsibilities that require putting in a lot of hours at work. I get it. I regularly put in 70 hours a week in pastoral ministry. However, I also try to set the appropriate boundaries to make sure that family is the priority it needs to be. For me, that means getting up very early every day so I can start working early and so I can be home and ready for family dinner every day at 5:00pm and then spend time with the family after dinner and also reserve Saturdays for time with the family. Now, obviously, I’m not presenting that as some sort of legalistic standard but simply as one example of doing whatever you have to do in order keep your job within its proper boundaries and be actively engaged with your family.  

Also, when you’re home with your family, let me encourage you to make every effort to not just be physically present but to also be mentally present as well. And I’ll just say that the biggest hindrance to us being mentally present is this device right here. If you want to be mentally present and engaged with your family in the evening, you’re going to have to put down your phone and actually interact with them. 

And once you’ve put down your phone—and also turned off the TV—start interacting with your family. Find out what kind of a day your wife has had, listen to her feelings, and make an effort to connect with her in a meaningful way. Also invest in meaningful relationships with your children. Take an interest in what they’re interested in, seek to share moments with them and make memories with them, and do the kinds of things with them now that you’ll wish you had done in the future. 

Yet, of course, if we’re going to look after the spiritual welfare of our family, we have to be engaged with them not only on a relational level but also on a spiritual level. That means we should be praying for them by name on a daily basis. It also means we should regularly consider what they’re going through in their lives and how we can minister to them helpfully in those situations. 

And of course, it means being diligent to help them grow in their knowledge of God and of his Word. In Ephesians 5:25-26, Paul says this to husbands: 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word. Just as Jesus sanctifies the church through the Word of God, husbands are called to contribute to the spiritual growth and godliness of their wives through the Word of God as well. They’re called to encourage their wives to faithfully read God’s Word and do their best to lead their wives into a deeper engagement with God’s Word. 

In addition, God calls men to do the same with their children. Shortly after giving instructions to men as husbands in Ephesians 5, Paul gives instructions men as fathers in Ephesians 6. He tells them in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” 

Let me just say to men who are fathers that the most important thing you can do for your children is point them to Jesus and raise them to know and love the Lord. That’s the most valuable gift you could ever give them, the most important lesson you could ever teach them, and the highest ambition you could ever have for them. College is great and sports can be helpful, but there’s only one thing that really matters: Do your children know and love the Lord? 

In Matthew 16:26, Jesus says, “For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?” What does it matter if your children get a full scholarship to a Division One school and then go on to make a comfortable six-figure living if they don’t know the Lord? What a tragedy! They wouldn’t just be missing one thing—they’d be missing everything that truly matters. 

Also, please understand that teaching your children about God isn’t something that can be outsourced to a children’s ministry, a youth group, or a Christian school. It’s something you have to do. Nobody else can do it the way you can. In a certain sense, you’re irreplaceable. 

And your efforts to teach them don’t have to be anything fancy or elaborate either. The way you structure your efforts to teach your kids about God can be very simple. Personally, I simply read a passage of Scripture out loud during dinner time and then spend maybe five minutes or so leading the family in a discussion of that passage—without any preparation, by the way. I just read the passage, think of a few discussion questions while I’m reading it, and then try to use those questions to start a conversation and see where things go. 

Because, listen: at the end of the day, the biggest determining factor—humanly speaking—of whether your kids embrace Jesus isn’t how rigorous or elaborate your teaching routine is but rather the kind of person you are. As one author named Pete Scazzero writes, “Who you are as a person…will always have a larger and longer impact on those around you than what you do…. We cannot give what we do not possess. We cannot help but give what we do possess. We can teach what we know, but we will reproduce who we are.” So, as a father, you can teach what you know, but you’ll end up reproducing who you are. 

So, be fully engaged with your family mentally and relationally, point them to Jesus, lead them deeper into the Word of God, and model through your own personal example what you want them to become. These are the most meaningful and important ways in which you as a man can serve your family. This is how you as a man can live out Jesus’s teaching in Matthew 20of seeking not to be served but to serve. And again, our ultimate example in doing that is Jesus himself. If you want to know what a real man looks like, look at Jesus and the way he himself came not to be served but to serve—even to the point of giving his own life as a ransom for many. 

And finally, let me encourage you to look to Jesus not only as the ultimate example of biblical manhood but also as the only one who can enable you to exhibit the qualities of biblical manhood. Even though we as men are certainly called to strive for these character qualities and vigorously pursue them, we do that not by relying on our own strength or our own moral abilities but rather by relying on Jesus—leaning on his strength, depending on his power, and drawing on his grace. 

That begins, of course, with us receiving his grace at conversion and looking to him as our only hope of being rescued from our sins and brought into a right relationship with God. That relationship with God through Jesus Christ is prerequisite to everything we’ve discussed this morning about biblical manhood. In order to be a godly man, you first have to be a saved man. Then, after we’re saved, we continue to rely on Jesus every step of the way in our pursuit of biblical manhood. There are many in our terribly confused culture who would tell us that manhood is all about self-reliance, but the Bible teaches that true manhood is actually about recognizing how weak you are, coming to the end of yourself, and relying on Jesus for everything.